Jeff Saperstein

Does this sound familiar? A person who becomes astute and solicitous of bosses, clients, customers, and those who can advance his/her career behaves oblivious, dismissive, and tone-deaf among family and friends. Or the opposite may be true. The person who is gregarious, engaging, and generous with family and friends becomes nasty, bossy, and overbearing at work because that is what he/she thinks is effective for success.

You can see these divided identities in others, and if you are honest, also in yourself. Identity compartmentalization can be a source of career burnout, relationship destruction, and personal unhappiness. However, if we apply some foundational principles, cultivate an understanding of how we interpret interaction with others, and how we show up to others, we can reverse compartmentalization into harmony, wholeness, and joy.

Start with a basic principle: be whole in your life. Understand roles and how to maneuver and learn to adapt among them with a common purpose. Recognize that while we may relate differently by person and circumstance, we can be whole in our values and experiences to be the same person and reduce stress and conflict in our relationships.

Here are several ways to understand how to be whole and happy rather than fragmented and despairing.

Start with intention for how you choose to live. I start from my intention to act with kindness and integrity to become a blessing to those I encounter. My purpose is to help others be successful through relationships, education, and authenticity. If you can create a personal mission statement like I have, then you can begin to focus on ways that bring that vision to your daily life—whether it is with your spouse/partner, or the parking attendant.

Know your values. How do your values compare with your daily activities? If you see yourself having integrity and wanting to be valued for your work, are you engaged with people and on projects that fulfill those values? If you value family relationships then do you make the time and give attention to be present and loving with those who are important to you.

Articulate the role you play with each person and how you want the relationship to proceed and evolve. You can engage with the same values and recognize that roles will be different in how you will function and act depending on the person you are with. You can be kind, considerate, and generous with a spouse, colleague, family member, client, and community member and just be appropriately engaging each based on the role you play. Imagine that each can describe your characteristics identically (you are considerate, good listener, trustworthy, and dependable) even if your actions and activities with them vary.

Paying attention to and valuing others is one of the most important skill set for you to be successful in life and work. This basic human dynamic was scientifically proven and established almost a hundred years ago in the famous Hawthorne experiment conducted by the social scientist Elton Mayo. Conducted in Western Electric Manufacturing plant, the female workers in the Relay Assembly plants were introduced to a number of both physical and psychological variables to determine what would have the greatest impact on their productivity.

His main conclusion was that…Work was first and foremost a group activity in which other people and their behavior be they colleagues, managers or observers, affected how well people worked. People’s morale and productivity were affected not so much by the conditions in which they worked but by the recognition they received”.

This enduring principle is true for workers, grandchildren, friends, and family. Try to apply it in whatever time you have with them. And see what happens.

Review characteristics that you wish to improve. Reflect each day how well did you fulfill your values: if you want to be more generous with praise and appreciation, how did you do that today?

Recognize that contrived urgency and busyness inhibits growth, creativity, and joy. I call it “activity frenzy”. If you find yourself multi-tasking, checking e mail obsessively, texting, and distracted, then you are missing some of the most important potential moments in your life. Spiritually, you can call these “moments of awe”. It may come from a nature walk, a meaningful conversation with a friend, and a hospital visit with an ill co-congregant, reading a book to a child——you get the idea. These moments make us aware of us as human beings rather than “human doings”.

Gauge your whole person life balance using these criteria: You can use these guideposts to reflect on each aspect of your life and build activities, time, and attention to fulfilling each.

• Career Profession: Are you satisfying your purpose for how you feel about yourself at work; how well you are working in collaboration with others who share your values and purpose; and in what way are you contributing to the common good?
• Personal Finance: Are content with your share of resources and do you feel secure and satisfied that you have what you need?
• Health/Aging: Do you have the energy, stamina, and good eating/sleeping practices to sustain a healthy lifestyle for your age?
• Intimate Relationships: Do you have love in your life? Are you paying the attention and consideration to be available, loving, and supportive of your loved ones?
• Personal Development: Are you learning and cultivating interests that keep you vibrant and engaged in life? Do you take courses? Do crossword puzzles? Continuously, learn and improve skills that enhance your life.
• Fun and Enjoyment: Do you have time for play? Mid-to-late life is the time to really find what gives you pleasure. Benjamin Franklin said, “We do not stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing!”
• Spiritual Awareness: Find a practice, a community, and rituals that help provide meaning to your life. Many more people are practicing meditation, Yoga, and spiritual retreats to get in touch with a sense of peace and purpose. Look at spiritual practice as housecleaning for a cluttered mind and life.

You can work on improving these aspects of your life with deliberate attention and recognize that not of us are perfect or self-actualized in all these aspects.

But if you do feel fragmented and disappointed with who you have become at this stage in your life, then be heartened to know that you can live a whole life of purpose, with your values, and joy by paying attention to that which matters to you.