Jeff Saperstein

Many feel that we do not deserve success, joy, and to achieve our aspirations, because we are not good enough, smart enough, pretty or handsome enough, or come from the right background, university, or pedigree.

Observe two year olds finger painting, three year olds strumming a guitar, or four year olds dancing to their own muse and you can see that we start with uninhibited, positive confidence to do whatever we feel to express joy and “in the moment” spontaneous activity.

So we learn early on through others’ criticism that we are not “good enough” artists, musicians, dancers, speakers, thinkers, and innovators.  We may soon develop inhibitions, defensiveness, and passivity.

As we pass through different life-stages we carry this “baggage” long after we can remember what it was like to feel good about trying and missing, but happy to keep trying to improve.

Much of this comes from how adults in our lives—parents, relatives, teachers, and others responded to our activities.  We cannot undo what others did long ago, but we can move forward with the intent that we can help those we encounter to engage them with encouragement and give ourselves permission to be both spontaneous and aspirational.

You can start with the power of  “almost”.

When I was little my Dad would slow pitch very close to me a ball and I would swing the bat as best I could. I would usually miss the ball and then pick it up and throw it back to him for another try. Each time my Dad would say ”almost” and I would be so happy for the next turn at bat.

This encouragement, whether it was a puzzle I could not figure out, a book I could not correctly read aloud, or a game I would not complete, was a solid basis for my attitude that trying was okay and the freedom to fail was an impetus to keep at it.

Helen Keller was a 20^th century inspiration, who could not see, hear nor speak, but became a celebrity through her fortitude and the loving guidance of her teacher. Keller said,” Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

So you can see yourself as character co-creator with your colleagues, family members, spouses, and children. Here are some approaches to consider.

1. Start with the removal of “right or wrong”. Do not label someone’s activity as incorrect, a failure, or blameful. The power of “almost” is that rather than a world of success and failure, we are looking at the attempt that was well intentioned, but may have missed the mark: the swing that did not connect with the ball, but can be improved; the arrow that missed the target, but can be reshot, the proposal that can be improved. By acknowledging the effort, we encourage resilience.
2. Find what is right before you suggest how to improve.  We can express understanding of what the person was attempting and build on what was good before we suggest ways to improve. I teach writing and critical thinking in university and am aware of how humiliating and painful writing has been for most of my students who are hindered by past “failure” and criticism. The same person who may excel at sports or music will shrink from written communications, because the feeling of achievement is absent. We teachers must encourage effort, while pointing to ways to improve, so the student will want to keep at it. The power of “almost” can inspire, combined with the tools and methods that can help them succeed.
3. Model behavior by admitting your own “near misses”. I am always so impressed by great leaders and mentors, who first state how they have failed or “screwed up” before making any suggestions or guidance. What a relief to hear that successful people have “missed the mark” themselves. They connect to us empathetically and that makes all the difference in how we can listen so our next attempt will be better.
4. Reject the habit that unfiltered criticism is “tough love” or “honesty”. Imagine visiting someone who has advanced cancer and just saying”, Wow! You look horrible and for sure are going to die.” We would consider that person heartless, while they might just be trying to be honest and “calling it like it is”. We are not umpires in our work and family roles and can work to undo that critical behavior we were accustomed to by our parents or culture.

I have experienced criticism and prejudice that hindered me and crushed my confidence. I know the feeling of incapacity and dread when facing such people and losing sleep over slights and cruel or just oblivious behavior. It is normal to become lethargic, apathetic, and disengaged when we feel undervalued. But this need not be your fate.

You can work to change your own behavior as well as how you respond to what others say. If you remember the power of “almost”, then you can start to transcend your past experiences and unload some of that baggage weighing you down from experiencing joy in the trying.