Jeff Saperstein

You may discover too late that what were perfectly fine priorities and habits in one life phase hinder you as you age or shift to different circumstances. How many of us miss joy, ready to be had, because we are slow to change?

I recently attended a wonderful house-warming party of a young couple, who have a darling two-year old girl. The parents of the husband are dear friends and my wife and I shared in the joy of life transition of this young family.

The grandmother baby-sits two days a week for the two year old and another friend shares the baby-sitting another two days. The little girl has bonded beautifully with grandma, who has recently retired, and now has time to devote to family.

I suggested to the 75 year old grandfather, a psychologist who sets his own schedule, that perhaps he too could now take some time during the week and be with his granddaughter.  In a huff he stated, ”Jeff, you don’t get it! I commute an hour each way every day and have a full client workload”.

My response was that at 75 years old he should consider how much more time he has to be with this child and how much she would appreciate his attention. His children had actually bought this home with a large downstairs apartment that he and his wife could live in, so his time with his grandchild could be effortless, as he would already be living there. He softened his response and said, “Well, maybe an afternoon once a week would be okay as I can consider winding down my practice a bit”.

I have four grandchildren and try to make time and effort to be with them when I can even though two live three thousand miles away. How precious that time is if well spent with those we love when they are at an age to want to be with us and appreciate it.

Here are several ways you can “live your legacy forward” with grandchildren or young relatives whom you wish to make time for:

1-Find ways to play that the child loves and already has a proclivity for. If they are analytical, play chess; if artistic, draw and paint; if athletic, play ball; if imaginative, read stories together.  Grandparents can devote energy, patience, love and attention in a special way. We are creating memories for those children that will remain a blessing for life in all the ways we can be with them.

2-Carve the time into your schedule as a priority. Today, many parents are working in demanding professions. Grandparents can be both useful and available when they need you. Young children love attention. Who better to give it to them than you? Be fully present and joyful and show those kids they are the most important people in your life.

3-Send special notes, photos, and stories when you are not there. I frequently hike in the mountains and love to take photos of the California Poppies and other wildflowers and e mail them to my grandchildren with a little note. It may not mean much to them now, but later in life when they see those flowers they may remember my thinking of them, and they may smile thinking of me.

4-Tell them meaningful family stories. You are the elder who transcends the generations. You can uniquely transmit the values and experiences of your own parents and grandparents and both teach valuable life lessons and enable the young to feel connected to those who came before them. 

My father was a chess champion and master game player who had infinite patience with me as a child and my own children. He could spend endless hours at play in delight and is so fondly remembered. My grandson Harry is named after him; we sometimes play chess together online when I am not there and several games when I visit. In some way we both feel I am channeling my father and the great-grandfather he never knew.

So I hope my friend, the 75-year old psychologist, who helps others in despair, will gift himself and his granddaughter with joy by getting his own priorities straight and hopefully he will “get it”, while there is still time.